| Seriously? |
[Monday
11/17/08 at 1:28am] |
I keep hearing it over and over again. I pray that it is only the people in my area who are just ridiculous, but do we really need to speculate if President Elect Barack Obama is the AntiChrist? If you google it, there are almost 1 million hits with Obama AntiChrist. I wish I could be surrounded be some people who would say, "Well, let's give him a chance before we jump to any conclusions. He could be a shitty president, or he could be great. Let's judge him by what he does in office..." Haven't had that conversation with anyone yet...
And part of me still wonders if this would be any different if he had been all white. or named Jim Smith. Or had parents who were of the same ethnicity. And I can't help but cry at how fucking far we still have to come as a people in terms of eradicating racism.
Why do even have to write this blog? It shouldn't even be an issue.
Anyone else feel this way?
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[Friday
10/31/08 at 8:42pm] |
I love you Mr. Rogers.
Seriously. First best friend. Best neighbor ever. Second father.
And I know you have millions of kids around the world who feel the same way.
Thank you for all you did for children's programming, for devoting your life so mine would be better because I am special. You spoke to me like a real person. And I listened.
You make me want to be a better person. I listen to you sing before I teach my 2nd/3rd graders, and I do a better job because I want to make you proud.
http://savemisterrogers.com/
http://www.petitiononline.com/MrRogers/petition.html
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[Friday
10/17/08 at 9:37pm] |
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Totally hating today...not on everybody, but if you step in the way, watch out for crossfire. I really enjoyed playing bingo with my grandpa at the nursing home, though when he won, I really wish he had chosen the twinkies over the body wash as a prize.
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| I think I might be dying. |
[Tuesday
08/05/08 at 11:48am] |
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep, no coffee (can't drink caffeine...), and working for 5 hours at a computer while my students are taking their apparently difficult midterm exam. I'm shaking from lack of sleep and stress. People keep asking me if I am nervous or jittery and I keep telling them yes, but not about getting married. I've never been so sure about a thing in my life. It is the ceremony/party that has me terrified. It's probably the single biggest event I've ever been a major part of, and I am going batty from all the details. I want everything to go perfectly and am faced with the ever present likelyhood that it will not. I just hope that I get to calm down a bit and enjoy the next week.
Nina, I love you with everything I am and have ever been and will be. This celebration will be amazing and memorable no matter what happens. Thanks for being in it with me.
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| I thought it was time to update. |
[Wednesday
03/26/08 at 10:51am] |
So it turns out, if 2:30PM is the new 8AM, then 8AM is the new 2:30PM, because that's when I go to work in the morning. The college gave me two mini-semester classes to teach, 16 hours a week, 8-noon, and it is keeping me busy and slightly tired. It pays, but how much is everything worth, anyway? Good for the wedding, though.
I've been recently having a new development in my thinking, spurned by a very close person in my life, where everything has been, more or less, kicked into overdrive. It's like my mind can't sit and be idle for longer than 10 or 12 minutes (where I used to veg for hours at a time). I've got to be doing something, thinking something, searching, solving, something. It's exhausting, to tell you the truth, but maybe it's good. Or maybe it isn't capable of having a value statement. Also having a problem with definites. Maybe. I never took any philosophy classes, and I'm wondering if it is starting to catch up to me.
I've also been thinking about the transience of everything, and how solidity and permanance has always made me feel secure, but nothing in life is permanent, so if that is what I base my happiness on, how can I ever feel good about my life? I can't, I don't think. So I am looking at the moment. Trying to feel and be and everything. It is all very new, and I am not sure how well this is going into words, but it is going on paper for me.
Aside from my mind, the other projects I want to work on soon are getting my car going well, cleaning the house, getting my mp3 player stocked full of good stuff, and sorting through the things in the attic. Wish me luck.
Not great literature here, but I hope it helps me understand myself better.
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| Thursday is the new Friday... |
[Wednesday
01/09/08 at 10:48pm] |
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and 2:30PM is the new 8AM. So, yeah, I ended up getting a job yesterday. 2, actually. The story is really incredible and I want to do it more justice than the time I have right now, but I will get on and type is soon. Anyway, teaching/tutoring 3rd/4th/5th graders, and professoring math classes at Virginia College. More info later.
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| My List of Inspirations |
[Tuesday
10/09/07 at 1:20pm] |
Seeing as I've been a lump and generally uninspired as of recently, I decided to sit down and make a list of things I would like to do or see or be in my life, some short term, some long term. When I have caught myself sitting, being lumpy, I've read through my list, and it has served as an inspiration to not sit and do nothing. I thought I would post it on here that way I could access it not only when I have my notebook, but anywhere I have a computer. If you know me and have heard me get excited about any project or something that I have forgotten, please leave a comment adding to the list. It is in no way meant to be all-encompassing, but it is all that I could think of when I sat down to write it. You are my friends, and know parts of me better than I do. I need your help if you can offer any.
So, the list:
-Start and play in an old-time bowling league.
-Turn my automobile into a certain 8-bit system.
-Get a job that is enjoyable, where I like going to work.
-Eat better and excercise so to get fit and have some defined muscles.
-Turn a Webster's Dictionary into a hidden NES.
-Turn my bedroom closet into a bar.
-Enjoy city living, wether in Pensacola or NYC or Chicago or whatever.
-Watch less TV. No more Law & Order marathons.
-Talk more with my family (parents, siblings, grandparents, extended).
-Repair broken relationships with my dad's side of the family.
-Take a bike trip through at least 3 states, probably much more.
-Learn to draw (both creatively and engineering sketches).
-Work on a project with comic book artist Mark Propst.
-Fix my computer myself, and keep it up.
-Do a case mod for said computer, preferably from scratch.
-Write a zine and publish it myself.
-Send a care package to Billy in Chicago.
-Have a party!
-Learn 5 or so magic tricks well enough to perform them.
-Give a lecture on some part of the history of magic.
-Get the '65 Mustang in running order again.
-Have more people over for dinner.
-Own cool looking clothes, as to not appear to be a slob.
-Learn how to build a website.
-Learn to play 5 or so songs on the guitar well enough to play in public.
-Transfer the Star Wars Holiday Special to DVD.
-Get my Rolling Stones pinball machine working.
-Do something cool for my birthday.
-Get pictures for every contact in my cell phone.
-Alter my clothes to be unique and personalized.
-Make more friends on LJ, and build those relationships.
-Make a font out of my own handwriting.
-Send cards, letters, postcards to my family and friends and people I admire (at least 1 a week).
-Squat a house or building.
-Publish my stick figure cartoons I drew in Mr. Turroff's APES class.
-Make a movie and distribute it to local movie rental stores. Have a premier.
-Learn to juggle.
-Learn to dance, both ballroom style and more modern "club style" dancing.
-Participate in musical theatre.
-Visit more museums, galleries, etc.
-Write a song.
-Take gymnastics lessons; learn to flip like a jedi.
-Volunteer for good causes like Habitat for Humanity and NPR.
-Participate in a model shoot.
-Learn another language fluently.
-Build furniture.
-Be a volunteer fire fighter.
-Build my own house.
-Adopt children.
-Learn one impressive piece to play on the piano.
-Get published in Genii magazine.
-Do something crazy for love.
-Pull a heist.
-Learn about electricity so I am not afraid to fix wiring.
-Tour with a punk band as photographer, merch guy, tech guy, or something.
-Memorize a poem or two. One should be by Robert Frost.
-Learn how to ollie and another skateboarding trick.
-Have a Walden experience.
This is not a checklist. If nothing on here ever gets done, that is fine. It is an inspiration list, and is to serve to remind me that I am creative and cool and am bigger than whatever keeps me down.
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| Long time no see... |
[Tuesday
10/02/07 at 4:13pm] |
This is a small post, attempting to just drop in a little emotion and livelihood into my corner of the LJ.
I'm ready for a party. Big or small, out or in, don't really care. Just need a party. My birthday is coming up, so I think I may make that the reason. Maybe it will just be for fun.
Been thinking a lot about finding out who I am really, so I might put up a meme or two to start answering the easier questions, to transition into finding the answers for the harder ones.
I miss my friends. I've been slacking in that department seriously, so I am sorry, and if you want, we can get together sometime soon. This applies to pretty much anyone who is my friend.
Losing steam. I know this wasn't much, but it is a start. Hard to get back into the swing of this, I guess.
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| Woot! |
[Monday
09/03/07 at 7:30pm] |
Yay!
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| Finally 'got it' |
[Friday
08/10/07 at 8:12pm] |
I guess that I like "emo" genre music. I like the sounds of Deathcab and Postal Service and Bright Eyes. But I'm not the type to listen so much to the lyrics as the music. If I like how something sounds, that's good enough for me. I even 'get' some of the lyrics, but often times they are laden with personal-references that are coded so I can't understand or vagueness or little snippets that I understand, but I couldn't really describe what the song means if asked.
This all changed day before yesterday. If you have heard this song (has anyone not, really?), then you probably know what it means. I finally do. It all clicked. Thanks to who it needs to go to. ::wink:: I wanted to post the lyrics and say that this is -how-I-feel-. To a 'T'. More some parts that others, but I can connect on a deep level with all of this song. For the first time. Something inside changed, and it has made all the difference. Thanks for reading.
( This is the First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes )
Also, I'll try to comment more for those of you reading. I know that I've been really lacking that.
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[Friday
07/06/07 at 11:13pm] |
Today was pretty interesting. I spent the morning being OCD in the kitchen and living room. Sweeping, vacuuming, laundry. The usual list. I ran around dropping off mail and bank deposits and whatever else needed to go. My landlord found me and showed me some work that needed to be done. It is kinda weird being part of 4 roommates because the landlord is only going to say most things to one, so I didn't know that we were supposed to be cutting certain vines off of the porch, but he was upset at me because I hadn't done it yet. Owell. Sold a rug that I had...acquired. The sale alleviated some financial stress that had not resolved itself as of yet. Quite an adventure with that one. I'll post about it soon. Stephen and I went for a bike ride, talking about all sorts of stuff and nearly getting hit by a caravan of trucks. Critical Mass is not easy when you have only 2 riders. We did get to talk a lot today. I tried making stuffing for lunch, but it really sucked so I threw it out and had canned soup instead. I had to go home to get some paperwork, and while I was there, I checked my mail. Another lighter from another cigarette company. I don't smoke, but when I did I signed up on several lists. You know how much money the tobacco industry makes. Now think of how much of that goes into promotion. Anyway, stopped by Nina's mom's and dropped of a computer chip for CJ and got donuts for Stephen and me. After doing a little 'grocery shopping' at Bruno's, I am back at the Flat, getting ready for bed. Stephen and I had a long talk today about me "getting by" with Nina being gone. It seems that some people are wondering just how, exactly, I will be doing with her gone. The answer is... I don't know. I am getting along fine, checking off things on my to do list, but I do feel like I have this void waiting to be filled. Something just isn't right, and when she is around, I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm trying to fall into finishing all of the projects that get left because of time restraints. I'm kinda crazy without her, though.
I'm getting tired, and I hope that this entry wasn't just a boring, "this is what I did today" entry. I guess that is better than no entry, though. I'll make it more interesting next time. Promise.
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[Monday
06/04/07 at 11:26pm] |
Just a little post.
Am job hunting right now. Looking to either find something where people give me lots of money for doing very little (time and effort) OR where I can do something I love and still make my payments on time. I am looking at a Chaplain position at the local Homeless/Rehab mission. Gotta go, will edit and reupdate later.
Stupid time limits on library computers.
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[Saturday
05/12/07 at 7:54pm] |
So, that feeling where you and certain others know that bad things are going down, and nobody else in the crowd has any clue. You look at eachother and there is a staleness in your gaze, an avoidance of reality, willing something else to happen, but knowing in your heart that it can't or won't. And there is a small dread in the next five minutes, tomorrow, and the rest of your life. But you still smile a false smile to placate those who wouldn't understand anyways.
It's something like that.
To those who are feeling that along with me...
...I'm sorry for the things I have done to hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. You have been closer than family and if I can't vocalize it or demonstrate it, I love you all.
To those who are not a part of those feelings...
...::smile::
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[Sunday
04/15/07 at 10:59pm] |
It's almost 11 on Sunday night. I've got a few projects going on in my life. Looking for lost items. Looking for a way to make some much needed money for a big project in the future (more info on that later). Getting flack about job from mom again (LAME!). Waiting for life to turn upward again and to see God in His amazingness.
In other news, we bought 68 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts (yay) for fundraising at the church. We sold about 50. That means many happy donuts, and unhappy parishoners, because we didn't sell all that we wanted to. But I do get to eat a lot. Happy and sad mixed together.
I am really just babbling, and have a lot to talk about, but few words are there and some have been sealed for now. So, I'm just gonna quit. Consider this a half-post. Thanks for reading if you did. Sorry for the lack of meaningful content.
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[Sunday
04/01/07 at 11:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 quixotic-what does that mean? |
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music |
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hum of the A/C |
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OK, so last Saturday (in March) we had a yard sale at the church. It went off pretty well, but there was another factor right before we started. At the same church we've been dealing with churchmice. While it is nice to have little faces running around, it is not sanitary, so we got a humane trap and have been catching them and releasing them at the national seashore. However, this time one that we caught was old. Old old. Grey hair, balding patches, and hard breathing. And he wasn't moving much. I decided that he probably wouldn't make it to the seashore and I wanted him to die in peace but am not sure how I feel about the mercy killing bit, so I got a little plastic glove (like for handling food) and held him in my hands so he would be warm for about an hour and a half until he died. And then it was over. Just like that. I've had puppies die right in front of me, and my most favorite rat died about a year and a half ago, and there have been lots of emotional attachments and such with those, but I don't think that I've ever grieved this way before. I couldn't pick this mouse out from any others. I had no real emotions connecting me to this mouse. But I was genuinely affected by the loss of life. It was very full circle and big picture-esque. Very blanket, for those of you who have either seen I <3 Huckabees or those who are more well-read than I am and know about existentialism. I just wanted to write that down for my own sake.
Other than that, we've had a few days recently where it feels like the old Factory. People buzzing about, lots of talking and joking and fun, smiles everywhere. Cooking for EVERYBODY for whatever we could get for $5. And it being good (thought of your omelets, Moria!). And everyone is excited about upcoming shows (WE GET SKA BACK, AND I AM SO HAPPY!). Just like good old times.
And I am a bad person. I know it. Dale, if you are reading this, I get some of your phone calls. I want to pick up the phone, but I don't know what to say. I'm alive. I hope you are doing OK. I read your journal when you post. I've got so many things against you and me that I don't know if I could pick up the phone, call you, and work some stuff out. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what else to say.
In addition to that, I've been out of contact with my grandfather for the past few days, and everytime I TRY to get in touch, he's gone or out or something. I'm not even 100% sure where he is right now. It wouldn't be so bad, really, but I'm the only person that gives a damn about him and his well-being. So I'm a shitty grandson, too.
Life goes on. I'm struggling to keep up. I got screwed by my insurance company, it cost me $30 in bank fees, and now I have -$1. And my student loan is due on the 9th. Might go do some day labor this week so I can pay it off. Getting paid once a month is really hard to do. On top of that, I need to do the whole getting certified in Escambia County thing, but that's more money I don't have. I'm still ironing out all the details in this lifestyle of mine. Some places the creases are hard to get out.
I made some plushie creatures for the Art Sale at the church, and they turned out cute, I think. Alligator, Turtle, and a Mouse. I'll post photos if I can find where they are. Nina made bottlecap pins, jewelry, stationery, and sold some of her photography. Nicole, Sarah, Fr. Nathan, Tashina, and Chris's wife (Jen, maybe?) also contributed to the coolest Arts/Crafts sale in all of Pensacola history. Thanks, everybody.
Nina, pray for magic. I believe. I will happen. Life is too short for it to not happen. I love you.
Everybody else, if you pray, pray for me and my getting angry. I don't know when anger got to be an issue for me (it didn't used to), but now, I'm just an asshole sometimes. I can't hold it back, no matter how I try. So many personal issues (with myself and with others) seem to come out during potential argument times. And it doesn't do anybody any good, so I need to stop it.
Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I've got a lot more to say, but I'm on a borrowed computer and I'm running out of time. If I get comments on this one, I'll write more later (was that shameless enough? I am totally whoring myself out for replies...ugh.).
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[Tuesday
03/06/07 at 6:55pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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I don't mean to sit and blankly stare off when you ask questions. There are just some questions that I either can't answer (Why do you continue to treat me like you don't care about me?) or don't want to (Were you thinking about me this past hour? 5 minutes? 5 seconds?) because I'm not ready to acknowledge the answer. Are we ready to go? Is dinner ready? Did you gas up the car? What is the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow (european)? Mathematical, matter-of-fact questions, even those that are of opinion basis where you just want to know what I think; I can answer. Is it better for me to A or B? Whatever you say, I will do. Then I choose, and it's not the right option. FUCK! I can't reconcile these things in my clockwork head. I can't process complicated programs like love and sacrifice fast enough. It's not that I am not answering you. It's that the question fucks me up. The cogs are binding.
Forgive me for what I do.
I still love you, as much as my heart and mind and body allows.
I hope you find it in you to still love me.
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[Saturday
03/03/07 at 6:06pm] |
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So, if 1/2 half of the now divorced parental unit is trying to buy my love with lots of stuff, and I accept that stuff, does that make me a prostitute/whore? Moral dilemma.
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[Wednesday
02/28/07 at 3:35am] |
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BLAH!
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holesandhills's journal
